From a Distance

constructing the balanced strong

2011-11-27T17:45:00.002+01:00

the vein of gold I haven't discovered yet is approaching. I can feel it pressing against my skin from the inside dying to, trying to, push through and make me soar. I have no idea what it wants or how it wants me to do it. But I do know it's a gold vein, because if it was a silver one the grass alongside the road would be bent to each sides and the path clear to follow. It's not cleared at all and that makes it all the more exciting. And as the vein moves closer to the surface, life moves closer to its beginning and the gold can be subtracted and make me shine. In it's own time. It's not all about love this time either, it's about finding peace in and with what drives you, what motivates you and what makes you happy. I'm finding it, I'm creating it and finally I have the courage to flaunt it.

when the sky freezes over

2011-10-18T23:02:00.001+02:00

pretty pretty pretty things. I used to say fall was grey, fall was water. This fall is flowery, pink and marshmallows are all around. or maybe it's all in my head. nonetheless it makes me happy, so I'll pretend it's real.

who did you think I was?

2011-09-22T16:40:00.002+02:00

I'm a strong person. I am. I can take a lot and I can talk even more about taking that lot. I can tell you that I don't get hurt if you talk to someone you used to love. I can tell you I want you to have her in your life. It's healthy. I can be easy going and open minded. He told me I'm the most open minded person he knows. I can take a lot. I'm a strong person.
But when strong people feel, I fall. I'm watching me being crazy about you and I can't take not being her. 'cause what I'm definitely not is somebody you used to love.

Copying - stealing - taking things

2011-04-19T20:40:00.001+02:00

Ricky Gervais Show - Karl's Diary

2011-04-04T20:48:00.000+02:00

Yup.

2011-03-29T13:52:00.001+02:00

Mi mancano i colori e le risate e l'odore. (L'odore!) Io sto perdendo. And all that jazz.

One more for March.

2011-03-28T12:42:00.003+02:00

Ok, let's do this again. I have an idea or something. Or rather Coleridge had an idea and I'm adopting it and keeping it warm for a while. From now on I'm filling my life with more incredible events and random challenges. I'm embracing the fact that life is not here to please us or make us happy, it's here for us to fill with awesomeness in every sense of the word. So instead of being sad, we can be How I met your mother-awesome instead. In true medieval manner, I hereby challenge the people who read this (probs not many, but you are at least the/my chosen few. Yup, you should feel special) to do something awesome every day. Listen, I don't mean that you should cure cancer or take a ride on a dragon's back every SINGLE day or anything. You can do that every other Friday. But I'm thinking in terms of challenging yourself and dreaming and filling your life with what you really feel like doing. The difficult part is maybe to inspire yourself or know where to find that inspiration. I guess it can be anywhere or in anyone. And hey, who am I fooling, it is me we're talking about here: I say you find it in and fill life with inspiring people, a couple of glasses of wine and reading something or doing something that makes your eyes sparkle and your ears flap. I'm trying. And for God's sake, I'll try and smile while doing it too. In? - Cheerio.

Structured emotions.

2011-03-03T11:46:00.005+01:00

These thoughts have emerged through good conversation and/or while intoxicated. In or out? Your call.

Here goes.

Emotions are chaotic, unstable and messy. When strong and crazy enough, they leave you with no easy answer, no one clear train of thought or coherent contemplation. Also emotions very rarely travel alone. Oftentimes they are accompanied by conflicting emotions trying to make you torn and uncertain about how you really feel. Emotions have no structure or logic. They are figments of our imaginations, strong sensations inside our minds and hearts and make us display the worst and best sides to our personalities.

With this in mind one can argue against the rationality of romantic relationships making up our way of life. Feelings and emotions are never rational or structured. The paradox is that romantic relationships (steady ones that is) are. This is not an argument for banning relationships as a whole. It is simply an observation that may be the starting point to changing some of the expectations people in general have towards relationships and what we call love. Emotions can not be lead in any one direction, people can't really control what they feel or try to feel something they don't. By doing so one can suffer from nausea, anxiety, headaches and arrogance.

Maybe this structuring of emotions is a necessity in order to make our society function. Maybe we can't get away from our culture's romantization of romantic relationships. Presently they are indeed the foundation on which our culture and lives are paved. Nonetheless I truly believe people should be more true to their emotions and not be restrained by any relationship. I believe that is the pursuit of happiness. I believe freedom should not be restrained, not even by the people we have these wild raging emotions for. I for one can't structure how I feel and I'm not sure I want to either.

Hurra for verden.

2011-02-25T14:35:00.003+01:00

And yes, this time I actually mean it. A big freaking hooray to the world for bringing me so many crazy amazing people. One of my friends has a talking couch, another sows big buttons onto practically every garment she has, a third friend never knows when it's appropriate to laugh and just does it when he feels like it. Gotta love it. As for me I have always been a sucker for changing my mind, so I'm doing that for a while. Yup, I'm pleased for once and happy to say that the weekend is here bringing me an awesome Jarle, some wine and hella cool people without a commonplace thought. Happiness.

This picture is from a commercial some Italian guy showed me. Mwahaha. Sure hope mr. Shakespeare's couch is nicer. I'm sure he is.

I love...

2011-02-17T15:02:00.001+01:00

...Dylan Moran.

Why?

Because to him THE FOLLOWING is life as a poem:

“Go and get a job.
Go and find a flat.
Find somebody else.
Put them in the flat.
Make them stay.

Get a toaster.
Go to work.
Get on the bus.
Look at your boss.
Say, “fuck”.
Sit down.
Pick up the thing.
Go blank.
Scream internally.
Go home.

Listen to the radio.
Look at the other person.
Think, “WHY? Why did this happen?”.
Go to bed.
Lie awake!
At night!
Get up.
Feel groggy.
Put the things on – your clothes – whatever they’re called.
Go out the door, into work – same thing!
Same people, again.

It’s real, it is happening to you.

Go home again!
Sit.
Radio.
Dinner – mmm.

GARDENING, GARDENING, GARDENING, death.”

Mwahahaha.

Serenity

2011-02-16T08:38:00.002+01:00

So now I'm old. At least older than I was two weeks ago. And it feels like the older you get, the more relaxed you get towards most things, even towards the people you know and the people you love.

I don't mean this in a bad way as I actually think it's healthy. Nothing is the end of the world as we know it anymore, things just flow more easily and you feel calm. It's almost this serene feeling of knowing that everything will work out just the way it's supposed to because the universe has to align itself as it needs to wipe out the threat of the nothingness that doesn't exist. (dolce far niente and the science of empty space and all that jazz).

Even just a year ago my thoughts were all over the place and evere little obstacle seemed like the steepest hill or something. Now it's wiped out and I think people can feel it in the presence of little old calm peopleroos. Yup.

So now I'm old and life has never been more peaceful.

Out of place. Buono.

2011-02-07T10:11:00.002+01:00

love and rockets to me. please.

2011-02-03T11:20:00.003+01:00

journalism is not writing.
journalism is telling a story in the way it needs to be told.
journalism is not making social calls.
journalism is calling people and making them shout profanities at you.
journalism is not running around taking pictures.
journalism is standing in a corner trying to stay out of the photographer's way.

So, I've smelt it, touched it, licked it, tasted it, chewed on it for a while. I think the conclusionlike thing is that I'm spitting it right out again.
Miss journalist-reporter-interviewer-picturetaker-woman-lady is leaving the building in exactly 29 days. (Yes, I'm counting).

Yeahyeahyeah, at least now I know what it's about and I've told a couple of stories. They'll probably not go down in history or anything, but they're out there. Sort of.

- chup

- What would I want? Sky.

2010-12-04T18:24:00.005+01:00

I'm not sure what I'm looking for,

I'm not sure it's something you can even look for,

but I'm hoping that when I trip on it, fall to the ground, and turn to face it,
it's exactly what I need, exactly what I wasn't looking for,
and everything else.

- An Italian pickpocket smoking on my balcony.

2010-11-22T06:18:00.002+01:00

Life is good when nothing is difficult, when everything can just flow and be in balance. I like it when everything is as it is and not just how someone wants it to be or imagines it to be. This is what the city is teaching me. This is what I'll take home with me.

Awkward and quiet.

2010-11-21T17:25:00.002+01:00

No matter what happens I need to believe that I'm always where I need to be and that the universe will fix it all (eventually) so that we'll all end up where we should. If I don't have faith in this I'll lose my grip before you can say Kanchanaburi. I'm still here, I'm still his friend, but it hasn't been easy and I'm not counting on it to ever be - really. I'm sure the reasons for this situation are good, but one day I want to show you how it's supposed to be when it's good and when it's real. 'Cause after all cuteness always trumps girlfriends. Yeah.

- dolce far niente and the science of empty space

2010-11-07T12:45:00.002+01:00

if one could truly enjoy the sweet idleness that surrounds us, develop a healthy respect for madness and see the pure pleasure of nothing, the world would probably be a better place.

In my mind the wind is the ever moving background we all live in contrast to. The energy that exists in all living things sort of flashes towards the wind and makes us intertwined and bound together in the strangest ways. In this sense energy creates chemistry (between people and within everything) and chemistry is energy.

The difficulty of such a philosphy however, occurs when the wind suddenly blows into the foreground, pushing the foreground into the middle and hence making the middle ground the background. This making the old background vanish and become nothing, a fact that creates change as something (the nothingness of the old background) disappears from the big picture. So empty space really does not exist, except as the nothingness that we can't see because it serves as the background of the world.

Here we can maybe find the link between nothing being something and an important part of living organisms and the concept of the wind being an eternal background we contrast ourselves against.

- You two are so cute.

2010-11-07T12:38:00.002+01:00

I'm so sickety sick of hearing that phrase over and over and over and over and over again. It's not gonna happen, so don't rub it in. Just leave it, please. Thank you. On the bright side ms. blackbird is learning.

Stability.

2010-10-20T14:53:00.003+02:00

The good mr. Jack Kerouac once said:

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing."

I say those are the only people for me in the short run. They bring laughter, passion, anger, rage, life; the highest highs and the lowest lows. Nonetheless, at some point I have to say stop. I have to step back and meet sane people, face reason and a bit of rationality. Boring? Yes. Necessary? Hell yes.

So....

2010-09-30T12:04:00.001+02:00

..... a friend of a friend does this with his time in Bangkok. Pretty impressive.

Mai pen rai.

2010-09-27T18:40:00.002+02:00

Let me tell you that these days are hectic. Midterms start tomorrow and half our time in BKK is almost over (!) Crazy, I know. But this life isn't normal and I don't think it'd be healthy to lead a life like this forever. My conscience, my heart and my skin would at least not approve.
Sure, we're having the time of our lives and I've never been more relaxed, but still it's all just a dream and come mid December I'll wake up and face the real world of the west again.
Nonetheless, let's enjoy the last two and a half months of Bangkok bubble happy times and forget about the burst that is yet to come. I can live with that.

Repetition

2010-09-21T14:32:00.003+02:00

Don't worry, I will! (And really I'm not the one you should be worried about).

Happy, happier, happiest.

2010-09-21T11:21:00.003+02:00

So life in Bangkok is not so bad. We're having fun, hanging out, laughing a lot, "doing all our school work" and generally living in a bubble.

Bubbles are nice though.

Concluding.

2010-09-19T10:00:00.005+02:00

So, in true Kooks sense, I've been pushed over the line. Really I think I've pushed myself over it, but let's not discuss details.

These days are the days of experience, the days of laughter, the days of loving life, loving fun, loving it all. Still my conscience and high morals are pissing me off more than I'm comfortable with. And I'm not even doing anything or anyone wrong. It's just the feeling of being displaced. It creeps me out and makes me think of myself as a bit mean.

On the other hand I like pushing myself over the line (and having someone push me over it, for that matter). I like playing and I trust myself in making the right decisions for me, now. So, go with it. Live it. Taste it. Breathe it. Try it and never regret it?

Leaving.

2010-09-02T13:53:00.002+02:00

This weekend the Norwegian girls are hitting Koh Tao. Finally some would say, for too short a period of time others would remark. Still we're going and it will be heaven. No doubt about it.
The next plausible question would be if I'm getting scuba certified. The answer is unfortunately a hell of a boring no. The reason why not being that I'm a total geek with asthma and ear trouble. So, yeah. There you have the handsome truth.

Anyhow, I cannot wait to snorkel, kayak and just exist in paradise for three days. See you!

Same same.

2010-08-25T18:39:00.002+02:00

Beacause I was stupid enough to bring the one material thing that really matters to me, I'm officially one priceless family heirloom down. Cried and was furious all day yesterday and got acquainted with a part of myself I kind of like. Apparently I can be amazingly determined, cold, hard and fair when the situation calls for it. I like it. Guess I've learned something from my journalism bachelor. And that's got to count for something. Anything?
To cheer myself up though I'm now in serious need of Hall and Oates to stay on repeat in Grooveshark. Sorry about the noise.

- Like, it's freakin' freezin' in here.

2010-08-22T17:37:00.005+02:00

Let me officially tell you that cinemas in Thailand are C-O-L-D as in COLD! I thought winters in Norway were freezing, but they are nothing compared to these gigantic hollow ice cubes.
Now you may find that I'm picking on details here. And yes, this is a minor detail. 'Cause that in itself would perhaps not be such a huge problem. In itself. Wear a sweater, geez.
The thing is though that the heat-cold issue seems to come up pretty much everywhere and every day.
Let's say it's 25 or 30 degrees Celsius outside. It's comfortable once you get used to it and you don't worry too much about anything. But THEN, dududuuuu (scary music): You enter a shopping mall, a grocery store, A CINEMA or whatever and the temperature suddenly drops ten or fifteen degrees and you've got a cold within seconds. Seconds, people! Ha. I'm telling you.
So, what I'm wondering is who the sneaky bastard with the thermostat is. I'd like to have a word with that guy. And maybe, juuust maybe, kick him in the shin.

That's all.

make your own rules

2010-08-21T07:55:00.002+02:00

Weeell, at the moment "everyone" is hanging out by the pool (probably recovering from last night's charades) while I'm listening to some soppy music, writing and considering staying home tonight.
Sounds boring? Hell yeah and I'm proud of it!
For once I'm the dull one. Yay. Or something like that.

Anyway, what I really planned to say something about was the philosophy of teaching in this country/city/region.
First of all we are supposed to figure out what to read basically on our own, a fact that makes a control freak Aquarius shiver and go somewhat ballistic.
Second, class lasts for three hours, making a poor spoiled Norwegian (who's used to 45 min lectures, break and then another 45 min) lose whatever is left of concentration and willpower.
Hold on, it gets wackier. The following conversation took place in a Thammasat classroom two days ago:

- So Professor, could you possibly recommend a few books that might be useful this semester, just so I have some guidelines?

- No, I can not.

Thinking.

- I just don't know quite where to start in this chaos of information.

- You see if I recommend any one book I will not learn anything from you.

Hmm. You learning from me. Silly me who thought the lecturer should teach ME something. Frustration.
Pull yourself together.

- Ok, thanks anyway.

Great job on the self restraint.

In other word this semester the question will perhaps not be to read or not to read.
It will be WHAT to read? I do realize it's not so bad as this lifestyle is not exactly exhausting, the birds are chirping and I have a pool in the back yard, but still.

Officially losing it,
Camilla

Randomness in BKK

2010-08-17T14:56:00.004+02:00

Sooo, I guess now the name of my blog will FINALLY serve its purpose, be of some use and even make perfect sense. Reason being: I'm spending six months in hot, steaming, frying, rainy, polluted, exciting, eccentric, nervous, fun Bangkok, Thailand. A place in this world that does not make sense in any way possible. And in fear of sounding like the control-freakish, stupid, little blond Norwegian I am, I like it when things make sense. In other words; I'm waaay out of my comfort zone on this one. But in fear of sounding like the totally reflected, cool young academic I am it's all just kind of new and the word lost is all too describing. I think it's going to be great if I just give the city, country and people some time though. Seems like we have a pretty great group of people smacked together both at our apartment complex - Sivalai - and in our university - Thammasat. So that's probably a good thing, I guess :)

So this guy, he's just cool and needed to fit into this blog. Not totally unrelated though as he performed on the beach in Koh Samet.

To sum up in a few words what Thailand has been all about so far, let's keep this one key-wordy: MBK for shopping and great food, Koh Samet for too much partying (at least for my taste), Lumpini Night Bazar (ridiculously humongous), Weekend Market, Khaosan Road for fun and partying (and disgusting green tea), Thammasat for school: both good and horrible lecturers, Sukhumwhit for massage and the hospital, Sivalai Place for sleep and swimming, Platinum Shopping mall (ridiculously cheap) and so forth and so on.

Bangkok is officially crazy, officially confusing and officially amazing at this point.

See ya.

Spring time and livin' is easy

2010-06-04T23:14:00.002+02:00

with sun come smiles. with light come lives. with beams come the sensational about human behavior and eccentricity of nature. mirrors all around losing touch with reality. the light may be brightening up a day, but the blinding is the mirrored effect, the flipside of beauty, morals and sun.

same

2010-05-30T18:41:00.002+02:00

I wonder sometimes if you're the same person you were. 'cause although I'm calm about the whole thing, it's weird to realize you're out there with all this knowledge and I have no idea who you are.
today I don't even know where you are, if you're happy, gone mad or if you're alone in some small apartment right next door. the difficult thing is that I used to feel you every single day and now I don't even bump into you in that familiar leaping-heart way.
I wonder why I'm thinking about this now. maybe the distance has made me able to. nonetheless I'm glad I've known you, glad I've felt you, glad I touched you and glad you taught me all I know.
now I won't feel what I felt. at least not how I want to feel. that was you. 'cause even though we didn't fit, we grew.

miss

2010-03-12T11:15:00.002+01:00

the word of a thousand pictures. I didn't miss you a day ago, but a certain mango tree made me reconsider, made me wonder. which mango was it, oh I don't know. a round one, without emotion. a round one hitting me in the head, reasoning with what's left. I miss your eyes. I miss the shine. but now I'm alone again and in serious need of a cat or two.

when things are moving a bit too fast and you just wanna fast forward. or enjoy the moment.

2010-03-03T14:42:00.003+01:00

I've always been told time is relative, time is fluid. it is, in a way. but right now I don't think time really exists at all. 'cause what if I make up this stupid, crazy theory that experiences go beyond time, that minds may have met before impact and that they will continue to meet and laugh after we're gone or after we've parted.

Things are moving a bit too fast. still all I wanna do is continue, keep ffw'ing and not look back or ahead. fast or slow - I like the direction it's going.

choices from the moon on the ground

2010-02-26T09:33:00.002+01:00

There are always two choices. one is easy. one is not. and once you've chosen the easy one, choosing to step off that particular path and into the wild, grassy, grainy, hazy, dizzy edges of uncertainty is the hardest part of your easy choice. easy choices are boring and almost always faulty. you might notice it soon enough, but most often I realize how lousy the choice was suddenly and at an extremely bad time - not seldom in a swimming pool or a hospital.

Every single person I've met, I've met by chance. but developing those relationships you choose - at least you should. however, by shunning security, through shunning beauty, I find myself somehow hoping for the wild, for grass, dizziness, haze and great, tall, sharp edges of never knowing, always hoping.

So, I guess: go with the easy choice to make it alright for everyone else for a while. then run as fast as anything can take you.

sleepy. and happy. and just a little narrowminded.

2010-02-16T09:35:00.002+01:00

the essence of distance

2010-01-03T16:32:00.006+01:00

and here's an idea outside of a telephone booth. keep me.

I find it difficult to stay at a distance today. I'm inside now. and it's imperative that once you're inside you can't be outside looking in. so perhaps the question is how to get back outside to live up to the title of a life.

I think this is where you need to be. give me faith. give me devotion. bring him God.

then again one can ask if a great observation or idea truly weighs up for hours of loneliness and ages of negativity. in fact I'd say no in a heart beat. still, I like to think. it's interesting as diving. I'll never understand and I like that. but once you reach a certain stage of positivity and pure joy of life, maybe it's not even possible to be in tune with such deep emotions and mind games as when you're sad.

I think this is where you need to be. give me a stage. give me life. give the man a microphone.

I don't know, it's just a thought. and I think my muse is gonna come back, 'cause peace and serenity may give completely different and perhaps even better (quote-on-quote) feelings, thoughts and reflections. at least that's my hope, anyways.

- Camilla

Happy New Year ++

2010-01-03T16:01:00.005+01:00

No need to tell you New Year's was great. enjoyed good music, amazing friends and family, made turkey and had too much sparkly. nonetheless, here are a few pictures and words on recent events.

I'll be the first to admit I'm really bad at updating my blog, so now I've decided not to refer to it as just that. it's more like my own personal public diary. I'll update whenever I feel like it or whenever I have something (anything) just interesting enough to write down for everyone to see.

So.... with that said happy new year everybody! Hope you'll have a good one and that it'll bring you both peace, love, laughter and good fortune.

my shadow walks faster than me

2009-12-16T20:16:00.002+01:00

I've been thinking about all the traces and tracks people leave behind, all the information and ecchoes that travel ahead and tells the world who we are before we've even had the time to introduce ourselves. The internet tells one story of who I am, what I do, what I've done, who I've been. Friends telling stories of my person gives another impression, another version of me. What the internet does not - and not always the friends either - tell is what I'm able to do or who I'm trying to be.

So I guess even if we try to keep our shadows behind us, where they traditionally belong, there's no turning back - for us or our shadows. People knows a part of you before you want or need them to, through rumours and google-searches. No matter how much you dislike it, no matter how much you kick and scream. That's the world we've helped build. A world that doesn't have to be biased or cruel though.

Busy, busy

2009-11-16T18:01:00.003+01:00

I can't believe it's been almost two months since I last blogged (!) It's an outrage, it's a damned shame, that's what it is. And being busy is really not an excuse (at least a lame one). I 'll keep in touch from now on, churplin' away with thoughts and bother you with my profound wondering. mehe.

Anyways, hope all is well and that you will continue reading what I write when I feel inspired (unlike now). Hopefully I'll be taking some pictures in the dark of november as well. So stay tuned.

the idealist

2009-09-17T22:09:00.002+02:00

they say time never waits for no-one. they say idealism precedes experience and experience is followed only by cynicism.

I say I'm glad I'm still at stage one. I never wait for time and I'm young enough to still act and think like the idealist. I don't need the attention and certainly not the attraction. what matters is being able to make others prosperous and feel good about trying to beat time and cynicism.

time is the cynic no-one will ever beat or escape. time is what holds you down when you're on your way to greatness.

so I say: once you reach stage two, the one of experience - run and just maybe time won't catch up.

on handing out the proper papers and giving the right information

2009-09-07T16:17:00.002+02:00

when you've done something you don't regret, but didn't explain all the things you wanted and should have said. when things get messy and all you want is to try and make it alright. when the chain of events comes right back to slap you in the famous face and life isn't all fun and games. you just didn't know.

news

2009-09-07T01:05:00.004+02:00

light balancing the art of shadow on it's way back from darkness or on it's way to brightness. perhaps.

letting go and allowing in just a hint of illumination from somewhere you've never dreamed of reaching. who would've guessed, I guess.

remembering not to look back, but never to give what's ahead the opportunity to blind you. getting ahead and keeping your light in front of you. in a sense.

thinking and churplin' around. Camilla

walking down memory lane

2009-08-09T23:48:00.002+02:00

every once in a while you meet people from your past. you can go on for hours just looking back, remembering the good times, the ups and downs, the parties, the charades. and it feels good. it always feels good to know someone appreciated you and can actually recall what you said ten years ago. right down to the tone of voice. it can make you feel like more of a someone than you do in the present.

but sometimes maybe the catching up can be insufficient. maybe once in a while you need to walk a few steps to the left, escape the reminiscing and start making a bunch of new memories. and then perhaps they will be the ones you'll look back on ten years from today. ten years from memory-making-time.

good girls fallin' for bad boys

2009-08-04T20:25:00.002+02:00

it may be a law of nature. or maybe it only happens to annoy the hell out of the dreamers among people. anyway it always goes down a little somethin' like this.

good girl feels great, good girl's independent, has fun. bad boy shows his face. bad boy sweeps her off her feet (like the biggest cliche on mars). bad boy wants his freedom. good girl rolls her eyes and carries on.

why you need more friends

2009-07-15T22:06:00.004+02:00

you know, for every new person you meet you can learn something about the world and yourself. it doesn't really matter who inspires you, with an open mind and bright eyes maybe you can learn and grow just a bit. no matter who helps you get there. firm and deep. lick it, feel it, never regret anything that made you laugh, don't lose it. 'cause in the end it's the feeling behind an experience that counts. the feeling you get of how many raindrops hits you're bedroom window and makes up a rainy day. if people where raindrops, we'd be too random and dissolved. we have cores, we can't really dissolve in that sense. we're deeper than any rain-pit. and if you can find just one core, that's you're lesson.

just lying around

2009-07-10T01:15:00.004+02:00

sometimes you might feel somewhat like a glove or something, anything, else one can throw around, and then you'll just be lying there.

you're just lying around wondering when you'll be able to pick yourself back up. and god only knows you do not want to wait around for someone to find you and just give you a hand. after all you're a glove, you're sick of hands. and that's the whole point, isn't it? you're supposed to pick up the pieces and start all over again.

so let's say you'll lie there for a day, perhaps even for a few, but eventually (after you discover no-one really has bothered to even open the door to where you are lying) you'll gather your glove-y self and not get thrown back down for a while.

but while you're just lying around anyway; you're trying to learn something although the time when you'll be able to get up seems distant. there's supposed to be distance, without it a glove's life would simply be about getting thrown and picked up again. repetition's annoying. some day I'll throw one, or maybe not..

attacking life?

2009-06-27T15:28:00.002+02:00

let's do this my way or the high way. 'cause even though you think I'm doing things wrong or seizing opportunities in an odd way, it doesn't mean I should change. right now my thoughts are: I'm only twenty (and I'm gonna act twenty), I'm weirder than the average bear (and I'm gonna be me), you're my friend and I respect your words and input. but still I'm not you. in fact we're probably the two people no-one would ever have expected to become friends. I'm happy we are though, 'cause you're important and annoying.

I'm attacking life, I guess. I'm letting go for once and that's why and when my fall will be higher and harder than ever. maybe that's why you're questioning the whole thing. but I'm alone now, and I've never really been alone. at least not completely. so now my learning-curve is probably gonna go through the roof and my feelings and emotions are basically riding some damned roller-coaster. I need you to come along for the ride and I'm gonna grow more than you've ever seen anyone grow in a year. this is the way to blue, life is the way to living.

While Waiting

2009-06-19T19:47:00.002+02:00

in the midst of a long wait, why not put down a few words on...waiting? and not the bad kind of waiting, let's talk about the good kind. the kind that makes you more of a person, the kind that can produce strength of character and take you to the top of the next hill or to the bottom of the coming pit. and pits aren't bad, they're only the lowest lows leading you to a peak. or something like that. but let's dive into the great kind of waiting - the expectations and the art of patience.

to start off the thing is that there are two kinds of waiting. there's the passive and the active. if you passively wait, that's simply a matter of being lazy. and usually no hopes are produced in such a state. in addition productivity and dreamers are normally not exactly offspring of laziness.

but to keep on going, keep waiting once the bushes and torns in the middle of your path are slowing you down, making your journey harder and less creative - that's patience. and if you can endure through the days of hardship and bushes, then what you're waiting for, the result of patience, is probably worth while. what we are waiting for is probably also out there waiting for us. perhaps even what we want - what we've created in our minds during the wait - is out there wanting us back. just a thought anyways.

tudles! Camilla

Lift-off

2009-05-25T19:29:00.003+02:00

Now that I've had the low, show me the high. make me jump and twirl on rooftops as night turns to day. give me laughter, fireworks, fine wine and cardemomme once more. I've missed the world and I want it back. Hopefully it'll take me.

An angry girl is an ugly one

2009-05-12T16:15:00.002+02:00

men get mad all the time. if it's over the scratch in the paint on his new car or the nagging of his soon to be wife, it doesn't matter. men get angry over nothing and everything. so let me have my anger and rage to myself and let me release it whenever and on whoever I need to.

to me anger is something personal. unloading all your crap on someone and then a sense of relief and control. anger is something personal. but it's nothing personal. I don't mean to be hurtful, I just need to get it out of my system. however, I don't need to unravel mysteries and burst out quite as often as I do. if I could get down to, hmm. let's say once a week that'd be an accomplishment.

I guess nothing's wrong with me for being angry. at least it's better than being sad and nonproductive. when I'm angry, at least I bring a change, a new thought to the table. but I don't need the headache, the tense muscles in my neck or the sore fists from clenching them. I don't need the consequences, pretty much.

Delays and

2009-05-11T18:56:00.004+02:00

First of all, sorryyy for not writing anything in ages. what can I say, inspiration's a bastard. just comes and goes as it pleases. anyway, I don't really do the whole 'writing the longest blog'-race. like to keep it fairly short and fairly reasonable. I don't really have the need of the twenty year old Dylan Moran to show off. it gets somewhat boring, so I try to say only what I need to say and not tell you what you need to hear. still, I'm gonna write a few paragraphs on lies and lying to ourselves.

I bet you found yourself lying when you were alone. I lied about feeling good being on my own for so long that I actually started believing I was better off with just me. I wasn't in love. I basically had one friend (at least one bloody good one). and I was afraid of doing anything about it. also I feared that if I stayed the way I was, I would never get to go back.

second, I found myself lying when I fell in love. I found myself lying when the friends quadrupled and someone really cared. again you were afraid. I feared that if I was just me, they would all just go away and I'd be alone again. which didn't happen by the way.

these irrational thoughts. our lies. our guilt, pain and fear, represent life. never have fear or never take a chance, and you'll probably end up not finding what you want and need. people will come back, people will be the centre of your attention always. it's just that the people change and that's when fear enters the stage. I think maybe one key is to not fear to be afraid.

The one in between

2009-05-10T17:30:00.004+02:00

Torn. not into pieces, but left on hold 'till she gets back. wondering what it'll be like when time comes. I never thought I could be in this deep in such a short time, but now she's there, I'm here and it doesn't feel right. I feel bad, I feel good, I feel weird. I wanna tell him it's gonna be alright, and I will. still I know he's not easily consoled. I wanna help her be happy, but she's too far away and not the easiest to lend a hand.
I miss when things where simple. when the band was the band. when I knew what was happening, but never knew what would happen next.

Being a journalist

2009-04-28T21:25:00.002+02:00

we've just started a project called Brostein. we're supposed to update an online newspaper every day for three weeks. it's interesting. we're learning quite a bit. we're running around playing journalists. we're exhausted. but check it out: www.brostein.uib.no.

...

2009-03-31T22:40:00.003+02:00

maybe I'll tell you sometime. how you make me feel. who I wanted. what you needed.

the highest highs and the lowest lows

2009-03-19T20:27:00.003+01:00

you want things to be less complicated. you need life to pass by smoothly, without doubt or questions. laughter is easy, breathing is automatized, life is just there. relationships and friendships can be uncomplicated. they can be the root of the root and the bud of the bud of all the meaning you need in life. nonetheless they're not always easy, they're not always simple. allow your relationships, your love and laughter to teach you. let them all bring those perspectives and lessons we seek so desperately. why does everything have to be smooth. who claims simplicities and necessities are good.

you can learn if you allow people, lessons, songs, films, books, creatures, flowers and trees in. our obstacles may be nothing but root systems we trip on while reaching higher. but never lose perspective, never lose faith. never lose your way, never forget where your going. for as you go along; pick up all those amazing little and big trials, the obstacles that get in your path, grab them and hold on to them. use them for all they're worth. they'll make you, shape you, break you and slowly build you back up again.

behind my moon

2009-03-11T22:10:00.002+01:00

do you think of me across your universe. do you see me above the stars.
are two roads this far apart, even if we try.

at the end of a world you'll hear my eyes. I've forgotten how you cried,
still see the words you choked.

I'll be the one you remember,
you're the one I can't forget.

An evening with Frost

2009-03-06T22:27:00.003+01:00

think of all the beautiful belongings no-one else have looked quite far enough to find. remember every experience and try cramming each one into language. believe you found what no-one will ever reach. imagine the two roads diverging as one. look to the one you took, the one you stumbled upon, the one that made all the difference and tell me you regret it.

That wasn't so difficult, was it?

2009-03-03T14:31:00.003+01:00

walking on bricks on a sunny day alongside my new friends, the missionaries. seeing it all from a different perspective is something I can highly recommend and I feel you can really learn from taking a step back and just be the observer. of course it'll take a while to digest and think twice about what I'm experiencing, but here I've come to know a pair of young, passionate, open and patient men who has found their way in life. I guess in a sense what they have found at such a young age is what we all seek in different forms. as human beings we pursue happiness and meaning, and once we've found it (or think we have) we wish for nothing but to share it with others.

to observe how people react and interact with these two is entertaining, enlightening, awkward and pleasurable. but to hear their own thoughts on what they experience is nothing but admirable. they are too aware of the fact that people are generally skeptical and doubtful and know all they can do is keep on walking on bricks on a sunny day alongside their new found friend, the observer.

The Observer

2009-02-24T23:35:00.003+01:00

as a photographer you can disappear, you can blend in, you can capture almost anything 'cause no-one has to notice you. as a reporter on the other hand you're the visible bastard who asks the annoying questions and...well...you're the one that's there, always switched on. is it impossible to blend in as a journalist? without going undercover and doing the whole wallraffing-thing, I mean.

Colours and Shapes

2009-02-24T16:10:00.002+01:00

On Fear

2009-02-24T15:14:00.002+01:00

the idea is there. the emotion and drive is there. the protagonist is almost there. but then there's the fear of picking up the bloody phone and actually finding out if it's all a possibility. we're talking nothing but stupid, evil, gratuitous fear. I guess there's not much to do than get over it. still it's intimidating calling someone you've never met, someone you don't know how will react to your request, someone who is just living his life as normal ignorant of the nervous caller-to-be on the other end. I don't even know what I'm scared of, 'cause I guess the worst answer one can get is 'no'. still it's weird, it's not natural calling a stranger asking him if you can invade his privacy. I don't know, maybe he'll be flattered, I guess I would've been. I'll just do it, 'cause the worst thing he could say is 'no', isn't it? I'll call, but I'll wait 'till tomorrow. today I need to calm my nerves and have a cup of tea.

Fire, Shadow and Bubbles

2009-02-22T15:50:00.004+01:00

Fire - the voice in your head at any important time. the drive that makes life worth living and people worth meeting.
Shadow - the darkness that follows you everywhere you go. the reminiscence of what has been and what has made you grow and be you.
Bubbles - the tingly unique feeling inside once you sense something that makes you laugh, love, cry, fall apart. it's the feeling of not being in control.

extreme lack in the picture-taking-department, but still.

2009-02-14T21:18:00.002+01:00

don't know if you've ever noticed, but when you're happy it's amazingly difficult to write anything that'll last. still, there's one thing I'd like to share: I think I disagree with Forest Gump (!) 'cause to me life isn't like a box of chocolate at all - it's like a glass of whisky. you need to drink it slowly and take time to taste and remember all the different flavours, smells and emotions you experience along the way.

certain things you'll only taste once. that's when it matters the most to get caught up in the moment and just fly away. if it's making a wish to a shooting star 'cause you think that's what your supposed to do when you see a shooting star or talking all night to a friend/lover 'till you both discover the sun interrupting your privacy between the mountains. it doesn't matter, as long as you recognize the moment as unique. a unique moment can freeze time and maybe make goodbyes unnecessary. in your mind at least, so that souls never part and hearts never leave.

A short walk in the sun

2009-02-11T14:42:00.002+01:00

as I left the blue door behind the wind slapped my face gently and almost forced me to run back inside. but as I turned the sun-beams read my mind and dragged me out of the alley. and although the sloppy snow reached my knees, the sun was in quite the superior mood. she kicked the mushy white devil way into next week. so I left the alley smiling stupidly and I do believe the proud sun planted one on its own glowing face as well.

Something Special

2009-02-08T17:58:00.004+01:00

Lu, Dyr and the band.
'This is a book about what writing is, about how you do it so it works, and how you do it so it lasts.'
'Original. Smooth and mellow.'

Red

2009-02-06T00:09:00.003+01:00

bus-sheds, fruit trees and sidekick-journalism

2009-02-05T23:19:00.002+01:00

let me hide behind a camera, a bus-shed, a brick wall, something. but don't put me in front of a camera, a bus-shed, a brick wall, anything. no matter how present I may be, I'm not there. let them worry about the future, what they love and want to do. I have no idea of what the what, what the substance, of life will be. only who the whos, who the subjects, are - always. if you tell them your lost, they probably wont believe you, and I'm not lost. I'm just finding my way and the way is quite the royal pain in the arse. I wish I could find the way to blue on my own, in my own manner. options are basically the bastard in the chaos we call freedom when all a poor soul wants is to capture and provide people with the beautiful and brittle nature of the world. but maybe that's not enough in the cynical business of journalism. maybe there just isn't room for the naive, openminded and kindhearted. the future is coming and maybe it's all right that I don't know what it'll bring. but I don't know if Louis Theroux's sidekick-journalism is for me. he's so there, in the moment and straight forward. I'm not there, I'm not even here. being invisible, that would be an amazing ability for any reporter to have. why can't I act invisible and avoid all the pay-offs to my obvious set-ups? I don't want them to respond to me as a journalist, I want them to respond naturally, to another person. 'cause in all simplicity that's all we all are, we're people trying to understand eachother. I want to know what you love, what you need, what you do and not least why you love, why you need and why you do something - anything.

time is of the essense I hear, but time is all we've got. what is journalism, what is reporting. it's displaying reality and I want the simplicity, purity and honesty of relations and people to return to the reporting. utopian? maybe. still, it's a suggestion, a hope, my way to blue.

On saying goodbye

2009-02-04T21:26:00.005+01:00

When you look back on the year that's passed, when you concentrate to remember where, when and why and all you can recall are the little things that made it amazing and hard to ever forget. the light reflected on their faces, walking home those cold autumn-nights that didn't seem cold at all, their smiles, popcorn flying through the air, her goodheartedness, his sarcastic remarks. everything has been fun and simple, yet so detailed, intricate and brittle. but now, let the snow fall, let the memories fade. they'll never disappear and goodbye isn't always goodbye. but when you get back, can i have a ham sandwich....with a pickle?

Laugh.Love.Live

2009-02-01T18:29:00.003+01:00

there's life and beauty everywhere you turn, as long as you remember to look, listen, smell and feel for it. smiles that make you smile, eyes that break your heart, crows nesting, water freezing. there should be beauty in most things, unless most things have forgotten how to be beautiful.

*

2009-01-31T16:19:00.006+01:00

is the element of distance key to feeling strange to a stranger or close to a friend. or is it the element of nearness that allows you to feel near.

He is everywhere

2009-01-29T21:07:00.005+01:00

click on the title to listen to the Nick Drake song 'From the Morning' on YouTube:D

A day once dawned, and it was beautiful
A day once dawned from the ground
Then the night she fell
And the air was beautiful
The night she fell all around.

So look see the days
The endless coloured ways
And go play the game that you learnt
From the morning.
And now we rise
And we are everywhere
And now we rise from the ground
And see she flies
And she is everywhere
See she flies all around

So look see the sights
The endless summer nights
And go play the game that you learnt
From the morning.

"He put equal importance on the listener's interpretation as he did his own, rarely being specific as to the song's meaning... The mystery is part of the appeal, it helps the listener bring their own life to the song." (http://www.nickdrake.com/index.html)

...

2009-01-29T20:17:00.000+01:00

When the sky is icy blue, you're in a foreign country as an explorer of history and culture and every brick you step on tells its own story. that's when you feel so small, yet so big for being part of the species that has created it all. the beauty is mesmerizing, the survival and indurance overwhelming. still you realize this is only the front, the goldcovered side, of the medal of mankind.

On senses and being irrational

2009-01-28T22:32:00.000+01:00

I'd rather be inside than out there.
Smell. the air is filled with cinnamon, humid particles, dust and cardemomme. eyes playing with the fire, the shadows on the floor, the look in her eyes, the movie churplin' on in the background.
Listen. dylan's squeeky, woody voice in the distance. cinnamon and vinyl. listen for what you can see, look for what you should be able to hear.