from concept to product

the journey began last year. in my head. as it always does.

rain, tea and an idea. that's how it always starts.

I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to be the one people turn to during their highest highs and lowest lows. I wanted to be important in another person's life - every day of my life.

the journey's on. in five more years I'll help, talk, care, cure and dive into people's stories.

always curious, keeping it real.

New. Clean. Me. Near. Catch. Maturity. Never. Clear. Modern. Always. Blurry. Outdated.

Therapeutical writing - because it's good for her.

Ok. So. The girl is back. She's bashing out on those around her and need to get something helpful down on paper. It's helped before, it can help again. Sure. Something on trust this time. Or the lack thereof. Lately I've come to the conclusion that everyone else is normal, and I'm the crazy one. What I don't seem to grasp is the concept of choosing to trust someone or something blindly. Why is that logical and how do we know that that something or someone deserves that trust? Does every sane person just go along with this? Is that what normal is? To choose trust and then just see what happens? I'm pretty sure that if I could do that I'd be happy. I'd smile more often, I'd be less cynical, I'd never pick a fight, I'd believe in Jesus, go to church and I'd have normal relationships. I bet you're going: "Oh, she's the jealous type." But she's really not. It's just a trust thing. And it's healthy non-idealistic doubt. I'd say. I have no idea what's going on in other people's heads. If I did I'd be them - and we wouldn't want that now, would we.Then she'd not have all these great ideas floating around in her head screaming to come out. Because I'm the only one who has great ideas. Sure.

"I wish I could be a normal boy". Lol. No, not really. I think the problem is I'm too damned happy with being me. Normalcy after all seems pretty dull. So maybe I could pretend. Maybe I could go all Dexter on their asses and just doubt them and never trust them, but at the same time make sure no-one notices. Mwahaha. Sure. Sounds pretty crumby though. How can you be nice and caring and still just pretend.

Then there's freedom and trust. I like my freedom and I presume other people do too. I'm sure they do. But where do the normal people draw the line between not restricting freedom and being trustworthy to the people who trust them? Where does your freedom and liberty to say what you want to whoever you want fit into my image of you as the person I want to trust. As I'm writing this I can see I clearly have mental issues. Lol. Let's talk, signore Prozac.

Ok. So I'm not that crazy. But I'm seriously wondering where people get the courage and confidence to trust others. And if the answer IS that it's a choice you make, I have some serious getting to know myself work to do. Peace out. 

constructing the balanced strong

the vein of gold I haven't discovered yet is approaching. I can feel it pressing against my skin from the inside dying to, trying to, push through and make me soar. I have no idea what it wants or how it wants me to do it. But I do know it's a gold vein, because if it was a silver one the grass alongside the road would be bent to each sides and the path clear to follow. It's not cleared at all and that makes it all the more exciting. And as the vein moves closer to the surface, life moves closer to its beginning and the gold can be subtracted and make me shine. In it's own time. It's not all about love this time either, it's about finding peace in and with what drives you, what motivates you and what makes you happy. I'm finding it, I'm creating it and finally I have the courage to flaunt it.

when the sky freezes over

pretty pretty pretty things. I used to say fall was grey, fall was water. This fall is flowery, pink and marshmallows are all around. or maybe it's all in my head. nonetheless it makes me happy, so I'll pretend it's real.

who did you think I was?

I'm a strong person. I am. I can take a lot and I can talk even more about taking that lot. I can tell you that I don't get hurt if you talk to someone you used to love. I can tell you I want you to have her in your life. It's healthy. I can be easy going and open minded. He told me I'm the most open minded person he knows. I can take a lot. I'm a strong person.
But when strong people feel, I fall. I'm watching me being crazy about you and I can't take not being her. 'cause what I'm definitely not is somebody you used to love.

Copying - stealing - taking things