- What would I want? Sky.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for,



I'm not sure it's something you can even look for,

but I'm hoping that when I trip on it, fall to the ground, and turn to face it,
it's exactly what I need, exactly what I wasn't looking for,
and everything else.

- An Italian pickpocket smoking on my balcony.

Life is good when nothing is difficult, when everything can just flow and be in balance. I like it when everything is as it is and not just how someone wants it to be or imagines it to be. This is what the city is teaching me. This is what I'll take home with me.

Awkward and quiet.

No matter what happens I need to believe that I'm always where I need to be and that the universe will fix it all (eventually) so that we'll all end up where we should. If I don't have faith in this I'll lose my grip before you can say Kanchanaburi. I'm still here, I'm still his friend, but it hasn't been easy and I'm not counting on it to ever be - really. I'm sure the reasons for this situation are good, but one day I want to show you how it's supposed to be when it's good and when it's real. 'Cause after all cuteness always trumps girlfriends. Yeah.

- dolce far niente and the science of empty space

if one could truly enjoy the sweet idleness that surrounds us, develop a healthy respect for madness and see the pure pleasure of nothing, the world would probably be a better place.

In my mind the wind is the ever moving background we all live in contrast to. The energy that exists in all living things sort of flashes towards the wind and makes us intertwined and bound together in the strangest ways. In this sense energy creates chemistry (between people and within everything) and chemistry is energy.

The difficulty of such a philosphy however, occurs when the wind suddenly blows into the foreground, pushing the foreground into the middle and hence making the middle ground the background. This making the old background vanish and become nothing, a fact that creates change as something (the nothingness of the old background) disappears from the big picture. So empty space really does not exist, except as the nothingness that we can't see because it serves as the background of the world.

Here we can maybe find the link between nothing being something and an important part of living organisms and the concept of the wind being an eternal background we contrast ourselves against.

- You two are so cute.

I'm so sickety sick of hearing that phrase over and over and over and over and over again. It's not gonna happen, so don't rub it in. Just leave it, please. Thank you. On the bright side ms. blackbird is learning.

Stability.

The good mr. Jack Kerouac once said:

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing."

I say those are the only people for me in the short run. They bring laughter, passion, anger, rage, life; the highest highs and the lowest lows. Nonetheless, at some point I have to say stop. I have to step back and meet sane people, face reason and a bit of rationality. Boring? Yes. Necessary? Hell yes.

So....

..... a friend of a friend does this with his time in Bangkok. Pretty impressive.

Mai pen rai.

Let me tell you that these days are hectic. Midterms start tomorrow and half our time in BKK is almost over (!) Crazy, I know. But this life isn't normal and I don't think it'd be healthy to lead a life like this forever. My conscience, my heart and my skin would at least not approve.
Sure, we're having the time of our lives and I've never been more relaxed, but still it's all just a dream and come mid December I'll wake up and face the real world of the west again.
Nonetheless, let's enjoy the last two and a half months of Bangkok bubble happy times and forget about the burst that is yet to come. I can live with that.

Repetition

Don't worry, I will! (And really I'm not the one you should be worried about).

Happy, happier, happiest.

So life in Bangkok is not so bad. We're having fun, hanging out, laughing a lot, "doing all our school work" and generally living in a bubble.

Bubbles are nice though.

Concluding.

So, in true Kooks sense, I've been pushed over the line. Really I think I've pushed myself over it, but let's not discuss details.

These days are the days of experience, the days of laughter, the days of loving life, loving fun, loving it all. Still my conscience and high morals are pissing me off more than I'm comfortable with. And I'm not even doing anything or anyone wrong. It's just the feeling of being displaced. It creeps me out and makes me think of myself as a bit mean.

On the other hand I like pushing myself over the line (and having someone push me over it, for that matter). I like playing and I trust myself in making the right decisions for me, now. So, go with it. Live it. Taste it. Breathe it. Try it and never regret it?

Leaving.

This weekend the Norwegian girls are hitting Koh Tao. Finally some would say, for too short a period of time others would remark. Still we're going and it will be heaven. No doubt about it.
The next plausible question would be if I'm getting scuba certified. The answer is unfortunately a hell of a boring no. The reason why not being that I'm a total geek with asthma and ear trouble. So, yeah. There you have the handsome truth.

Anyhow, I cannot wait to snorkel, kayak and just exist in paradise for three days. See you!

Same same.

Beacause I was stupid enough to bring the one material thing that really matters to me, I'm officially one priceless family heirloom down. Cried and was furious all day yesterday and got acquainted with a part of myself I kind of like. Apparently I can be amazingly determined, cold, hard and fair when the situation calls for it. I like it. Guess I've learned something from my journalism bachelor. And that's got to count for something. Anything?
To cheer myself up though I'm now in serious need of Hall and Oates to stay on repeat in Grooveshark. Sorry about the noise.

- Like, it's freakin' freezin' in here.

Let me officially tell you that cinemas in Thailand are C-O-L-D as in COLD! I thought winters in Norway were freezing, but they are nothing compared to these gigantic hollow ice cubes.
Now you may find that I'm picking on details here. And yes, this is a minor detail. 'Cause that in itself would perhaps not be such a huge problem. In itself. Wear a sweater, geez.
The thing is though that the heat-cold issue seems to come up pretty much everywhere and every day.
Let's say it's 25 or 30 degrees Celsius outside. It's comfortable once you get used to it and you don't worry too much about anything. But THEN, dududuuuu (scary music): You enter a shopping mall, a grocery store, A CINEMA or whatever and the temperature suddenly drops ten or fifteen degrees and you've got a cold within seconds. Seconds, people! Ha. I'm telling you.
So, what I'm wondering is who the sneaky bastard with the thermostat is. I'd like to have a word with that guy. And maybe, juuust maybe, kick him in the shin.

That's all.

make your own rules

Weeell, at the moment "everyone" is hanging out by the pool (probably recovering from last night's charades) while I'm listening to some soppy music, writing and considering staying home tonight.
Sounds boring? Hell yeah and I'm proud of it!
For once I'm the dull one. Yay. Or something like that.

Anyway, what I really planned to say something about was the philosophy of teaching in this country/city/region.
First of all we are supposed to figure out what to read basically on our own, a fact that makes a control freak Aquarius shiver and go somewhat ballistic.
Second, class lasts for three hours, making a poor spoiled Norwegian (who's used to 45 min lectures, break and then another 45 min) lose whatever is left of concentration and willpower.
Hold on, it gets wackier. The following conversation took place in a Thammasat classroom two days ago:

- So Professor, could you possibly recommend a few books that might be useful this semester, just so I have some guidelines?

- No, I can not.

Thinking.

- I just don't know quite where to start in this chaos of information.

- You see if I recommend any one book I will not learn anything from you.

Hmm. You learning from me. Silly me who thought the lecturer should teach ME something. Frustration.
Pull yourself together.

- Ok, thanks anyway.

Great job on the self restraint.

In other word this semester the question will perhaps not be to read or not to read.
It will be WHAT to read? I do realize it's not so bad as this lifestyle is not exactly exhausting, the birds are chirping and I have a pool in the back yard, but still.

Officially losing it,
Camilla

Randomness in BKK

Sooo, I guess now the name of my blog will FINALLY serve its purpose, be of some use and even make perfect sense. Reason being: I'm spending six months in hot, steaming, frying, rainy, polluted, exciting, eccentric, nervous, fun Bangkok, Thailand. A place in this world that does not make sense in any way possible. And in fear of sounding like the control-freakish, stupid, little blond Norwegian I am, I like it when things make sense. In other words; I'm waaay out of my comfort zone on this one. But in fear of sounding like the totally reflected, cool young academic I am it's all just kind of new and the word lost is all too describing. I think it's going to be great if I just give the city, country and people some time though. Seems like we have a pretty great group of people smacked together both at our apartment complex - Sivalai - and in our university - Thammasat. So that's probably a good thing, I guess :)





So this guy, he's just cool and needed to fit into this blog. Not totally unrelated though as he performed on the beach in Koh Samet.

To sum up in a few words what Thailand has been all about so far, let's keep this one key-wordy: MBK for shopping and great food, Koh Samet for too much partying (at least for my taste), Lumpini Night Bazar (ridiculously humongous), Weekend Market, Khaosan Road for fun and partying (and disgusting green tea), Thammasat for school: both good and horrible lecturers, Sukhumwhit for massage and the hospital, Sivalai Place for sleep and swimming, Platinum Shopping mall (ridiculously cheap) and so forth and so on.

Bangkok is officially crazy, officially confusing and officially amazing at this point.

See ya.

Spring time and livin' is easy

with sun come smiles. with light come lives. with beams come the sensational about human behavior and eccentricity of nature. mirrors all around losing touch with reality. the light may be brightening up a day, but the blinding is the mirrored effect, the flipside of beauty, morals and sun.

same

I wonder sometimes if you're the same person you were. 'cause although I'm calm about the whole thing, it's weird to realize you're out there with all this knowledge and I have no idea who you are.
today I don't even know where you are, if you're happy, gone mad or if you're alone in some small apartment right next door. the difficult thing is that I used to feel you every single day and now I don't even bump into you in that familiar leaping-heart way.
I wonder why I'm thinking about this now. maybe the distance has made me able to. nonetheless I'm glad I've known you, glad I've felt you, glad I touched you and glad you taught me all I know.
now I won't feel what I felt. at least not how I want to feel. that was you. 'cause even though we didn't fit, we grew.

miss

the word of a thousand pictures. I didn't miss you a day ago, but a certain mango tree made me reconsider, made me wonder. which mango was it, oh I don't know. a round one, without emotion. a round one hitting me in the head, reasoning with what's left. I miss your eyes. I miss the shine. but now I'm alone again and in serious need of a cat or two.

when things are moving a bit too fast and you just wanna fast forward. or enjoy the moment.

I've always been told time is relative, time is fluid. it is, in a way. but right now I don't think time really exists at all. 'cause what if I make up this stupid, crazy theory that experiences go beyond time, that minds may have met before impact and that they will continue to meet and laugh after we're gone or after we've parted.

Things are moving a bit too fast. still all I wanna do is continue, keep ffw'ing and not look back or ahead. fast or slow - I like the direction it's going.

choices from the moon on the ground

There are always two choices. one is easy. one is not. and once you've chosen the easy one, choosing to step off that particular path and into the wild, grassy, grainy, hazy, dizzy edges of uncertainty is the hardest part of your easy choice. easy choices are boring and almost always faulty. you might notice it soon enough, but most often I realize how lousy the choice was suddenly and at an extremely bad time - not seldom in a swimming pool or a hospital.

Every single person I've met, I've met by chance. but developing those relationships you choose - at least you should. however, by shunning security, through shunning beauty, I find myself somehow hoping for the wild, for grass, dizziness, haze and great, tall, sharp edges of never knowing, always hoping.

So, I guess: go with the easy choice to make it alright for everyone else for a while. then run as fast as anything can take you.

sleepy. and happy. and just a little narrowminded.

the essence of distance

and here's an idea outside of a telephone booth. keep me.

I find it difficult to stay at a distance today. I'm inside now. and it's imperative that once you're inside you can't be outside looking in. so perhaps the question is how to get back outside to live up to the title of a life.


I think this is where you need to be. give me faith. give me devotion. bring him God.

then again one can ask if a great observation or idea truly weighs up for hours of loneliness and ages of negativity. in fact I'd say no in a heart beat. still, I like to think. it's interesting as diving. I'll never understand and I like that. but once you reach a certain stage of positivity and pure joy of life, maybe it's not even possible to be in tune with such deep emotions and mind games as when you're sad.


I think this is where you need to be. give me a stage. give me life. give the man a microphone.

I don't know, it's just a thought. and I think my muse is gonna come back, 'cause peace and serenity may give completely different and perhaps even better (quote-on-quote) feelings, thoughts and reflections. at least that's my hope, anyways.

- Camilla

Happy New Year ++

No need to tell you New Year's was great. enjoyed good music, amazing friends and family, made turkey and had too much sparkly. nonetheless, here are a few pictures and words on recent events.



I'll be the first to admit I'm really bad at updating my blog, so now I've decided not to refer to it as just that. it's more like my own personal public diary. I'll update whenever I feel like it or whenever I have something (anything) just interesting enough to write down for everyone to see.



So.... with that said happy new year everybody! Hope you'll have a good one and that it'll bring you both peace, love, laughter and good fortune.